Steven Wright; What's another word for synonym?

How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

What is a "free" gift?

Aren't all gifts free?

I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lives next door complained.

Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment.

When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.

What is the speed of dark?

Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?

If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don't they wear a pair of bras?

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?

Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor, but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?

How can there be self-help groups?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, its called a shipment,

but when you transport something by ship, its called cargo?

Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?

Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

I'm taking Lamaze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.

My girlfriend is weird. She asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?"

I said, "No". She said, "Okay, then forget it."

"Hermits have no peer pressure.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories...

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?

Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

I live on a one-way dead-end street.

It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.

I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, "No thanks- I'm not going that far."